I want to resort to drugs and pain killers, just to deal with my headaches and stress cramps in my neck, shoulders and upper back. I can't even get a decent workout without my shoulders, neck and back acting up. Yesterday, I probably did 3 sets of bench presses roughly 9 - 10 reps per set. Today, right now I'm still antagonized by my workout.

I need to mentality move on with my life without my family. I need to step away, not care or it will kill me; literally. I already get suicidal thoughts daily... time to do some drugs. Just let me get a hold of some.

Today... rather, last night I rejoined __________ in an effort to get back into normalcy. I still don't want to be on it or use it for that matter, but I think it would be more damaging to my recovery without it than with it. I still feel the need to be secluded.

Last night, I also had a dream within a dream. I have not had one in many months and it was very real in the time setting. I was younger, therefore in Chicago and I had my old car. However, I was dealing with the loss of my father in terms of death, which only happened late last year. That's how it felt so real in that I dreamt within a dream that carry two different eras of time. What's funny is that the time frames were reversed and the dream within a dream was about my father. The dream was when I was younger and thus I dreamt of a time when I was younger, dreaming of a time when I was older. Oxymoronic, but funny/amusing my mind did that. I also carried within the dream so emotionally infused that I literally woke to tears and a bit of crying in real life. I was able to control myself in real life, unlike my dream...

I am sooo tired of my family drama.

This morning I woke up from an unpleasant dream. My dream constituted of me living in San Francisco, growing and having friends there. However, I felt guilt which probably stemmed from my mom not approving me living in California aka not living near her.

Trying to truly be my own person and not trying to appease others will take some major reprogramming; maybe start from scratch...
My brain might be going through a wipe because I have a bad headache!

Until then, my dream (goal) to live in San Francisco will be riddled with guilt and bittersweet taint.

Officially abused alcohol.
Earlier this evening.
Also abused the toilet... thank goodness I wasn't dry heavin', that would've not felt pleasant.

Entering 2nd stage of Grief: Anger.

I still don't want to exactly return to ________. Although I've cheated twice in these near-three weeks. Fortunate to say each time was met with guilt and a quick deactivation. Total time combined from the two visits: less than 5 minutes. So that's good too.

Now to deal with my anger issues.